"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?
Spagettea!
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
Icy what you did there.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.