My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
Can I hold your hand?
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
I cannoli have eyes for you.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.