What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you call a medieval horse in the army
A knight-mare
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users