An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.

What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.

Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!

What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!

Anything is popsicle during summer!

They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck

“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous

“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous

Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.

What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.

Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis

Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.

What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.

“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”

What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.

Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.

Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.

Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !

Snow thank you.

Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!

What are police cars made of?
Copper

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.

My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar

My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"

"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields

What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!

In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.

Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!

If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I'd take my last breath to say "I Love You".

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.

Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields

Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.

What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!