How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Will you let me be the avocado in your turkey sandwich?
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
You are the object of my preposition.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I love you a tot!
All punts are highly intended