How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
How do werewolves stop a video?
They press the paws button.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins