You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Donut take this the wrong way, but I just want to sprinkle you with sugar and spice.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
he's just going through a rough patch.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.