What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
I think you’re dandelion.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Rudder valve reversals
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.