Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
We’re in a-green-ment.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”