My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
How was heaven when you left it?
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
You know what they say? Words.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.