What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed a street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
What’s a horse’s favorite fruit?
Canterlope.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.