My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."