The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? So he could have sweet dreams. What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
I can turn your software into hardware.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Are you a sorcerer? Because everyone else vanishes when I look at you.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
When the baseball team chose an owl masot, did they get a designated hooter?
Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Don't fork-get your manners.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !