Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
The sun is just a big space heater.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Yoda one for me!
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
I yam what I yam.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.