What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
Here comes the sun of my life
Who’s your paddy?
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Why was the skeleton so lonely?
He had no body.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
You know what they say... Big Feet.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
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What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
She has high elf-esteem.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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