Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
I love you a tot!
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
Hey girl. I won this gold medal, but I'd really like to win your heart.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris