Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
I less than three you.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."