It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Wanna churn butter with me?
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Did you know you look good in short pants?
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Poor white splash.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
Coffee, tea, or just more of me?
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.