I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
If trees could kill you, they wood.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.