What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
"Really, our time together has just become more effort than you're worth."
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
I find you very a-peeling.
Call me on the shellphone.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.