Shake your shamrocks.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
Do you believe in love at first flight?
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!