I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.

“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.

“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester

All dressed up and nowhere to grow.

A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.

“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”

Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.

How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.

How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server

I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.

Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!

What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes

Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?

What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.

What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.

Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.

What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.

The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.

“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel

Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill

If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day

Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.

The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.

The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.

What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.

My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.

An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control

I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.

What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.

How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!

I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.

Owl always love you.

What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.