What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
My life is so sad and lonley (why) because you're not in it.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.