Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
What did the river sue for?
Beaver damage.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite