“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.