What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
You remind me of my last biking accident. Because I am going head over heels for you.
I really caribou-t you.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
You have a pizza my heart.