What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
"Let's have some skele-fun."
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Are you the World Cup? ‘Cause I get excited just waiting for you.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects? A con artist.