What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Are you a dictator? Because you have absolute power over me.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
Our souls will rain forever.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.