A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
So, is it my dugout or yours?
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Wanna go explore some celestial bodies together?
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Books are my kind of texts.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.