What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Wish upon a starfish.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
No one likes eating outside in the winter.
It’s frost come, frost served.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Icy what you did there!
What does a horse call her best friend?
Her mane chick.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.