What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.