How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
I told you snow.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.