Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
Your name is insert name here?
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser