I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.