For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Sea you at the beach.
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
Better read than dead.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What did the borg say to the medieval peasant?
Resistance if feudal
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.