I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
The ocean made me salty.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!