Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.

If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.

Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.

Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

See snow evil, hear snow evil.

I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.

The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.

What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”

I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.

If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!

What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.

They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.

What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.

“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends

Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.

"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."

- Leopold Fechner.

Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.

What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.

You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.

What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas

“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz

I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.

What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.

You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest

I only have ice for you!

What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business

When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.

Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.

What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.

“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford

Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!

The skeleton couldn't keep anything tidy because of his lazy bones.

The artist painted himself into a corner, leading to his death.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.

How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.