What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!