What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
I bet you’re really flexible.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
Green glass globes glow greenly.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Everyone wondered why Cinderella was such a bad player. If only they knew, her coach was a pumpkin.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.