Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What do you call a reindeer ghost? A cari-boo!
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?