Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
I want to stretch with you.
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
V
V
Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.