When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
Who’s your paddy?
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Haida there, gorgeous.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I want you. I knead you.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.