When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Fir sure.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Mind if my comet enters your solar system?
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
What’s a dog’s favorite condiment?
Fetch-up.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.