I bet you I could stop gambling.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
Why cant a dwarf be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
We’ve got serious chemistry.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.