“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
You know, I've never needed a third base coach to wave me home.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What kind of phone does a burglar use?
A no-key-a.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.