What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Want to be workout buddies?
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
What do they play at the beginning of a car movie?
The trailer.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
"I mead more wine."
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Feeling fintastic.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.