What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little money for the movies.
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
I'm no sandman, but I can take you to cotton candy land.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.