"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
It’s worth a shot.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
I love you dairy much.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?