What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!

I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence

What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.

Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.

What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!

For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.

What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.

What happens when you run behind a bus?

You get exhausted.

Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.

I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.

I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”

Her: Huh?

Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.

Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.

What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"

Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!

I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.

Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.

If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.

Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.

What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.

I hear you don’t like fractions. So will you let me be your other half?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!

If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.

Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.

What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.

Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day

Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.

If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.

"You crack me up."

Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks

What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”

What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.

What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

You really flipturn me on.

How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.

Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.

Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.

"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey

Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!

Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.

I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"