Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cold.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!