You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
Why couldn't the troll catch any fish?
Because other people took the bait.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Don't fork-get your manners.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!