What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
What kind of spells do leprechauns use?
Lucky Charms!
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
"I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny."
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?