I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
You better beer-live it!
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
I call the shots.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Did you hear about the boat dock that committed murder?
He’s going to be judged by a jury of its piers.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.